I think things have begun to slow down enough for me to begin once again to enter entries into my blog. A few days ago I was driving along the heavily wooded area near Ray's house, on my way to the gym, when a 300 pound buck darted its way right into the side of my car. I don't think the buck saw my car since the car is black and it was beginning to get dark outside. The buck came out of nowhere! I was talking on my cell phone when I felt a strong blow to the car and the car began to spin out of control. There was a huge explosion as glass flew all over me and the insides of the car. I was able to get control of the car and a little ways further I checked to see the damage and if I had gotten at all hurt from the broken glass. I was very very lucky that nothing happened to me. The driver's seat door wouldnt close. I found out later at the collision center that was, at least, a thousand dollars damage. As of right now I'm driving a rental-a 2006 Chrysler Sebring (I think its called). It runs very smoothly; its a nice car although it feels like an "old man's" car but i'm just glad that I am mobile and can get around without having to worry about cops stopping me. Besides bending the side of the car, smashing the window, and the door not opening; the rear view mirror was torn off and that in itself is a violation in which I could get stopped and given a ticket. On the brighter side, Ray hosted a visit from one of the New Orleans Courage members. Allen came to visit Houston; he said he had never been to Texas. I joined them on a little excursion to Galveston. It was a very pleasant little trip; we ate at a really nice Seafood Restaurant ( it was me, Ray, Allen, and another friend Ron). We stated at the historical hotel the Hotel Galvez. The room was very nice overlooking the sea; and we also visited the Moody Gardens (the rainforest pyramid and the Aquarium). We also got to see a 3-D cartoon of Spongbob and this Ridefilm (basically it was this ride where the seats kinda way and that way and your watching the screen) and it feels like your actually moving! Afterwards that night we ate at Pappasito's (Allen said he wanted to eat Mexican food since there aren't many authentic Mexican food restaurants in New Orleans). A few of the other Courage members came to the restaurant and it was nice to see some of my old friends again. I had the other Courage members understand that I respected Chastity and Celibacy and hoped that they would be a part of my life someday but that right now that wasn't my reality and that a part of me had little desire or willpower for it and that I was investigating sexual and intimacy issues .They were all very supportive and understanding of where I was at with the goals of Courage. It's going to be two weeks since I stopped all communication with M. I have felt tremendously sad over it and fearful of losing my connection with him. I have also missed the dogs and have felt as if a part of me is missing. Its almost like walking around with no leg or something. I guess that's the way it feels when your heart has been so involved with someone. He has been like a dear family member to me and its made me really sad not to be able to know how he is doing from day to day, hour to hour. The last remaining days of our acquaintance I was looking for a sign of vulnerablity from him. If he had opened his heart and revealed his true feelings for me at the risk of feeling stupid or even exposing himself to hurt I would have never left. I wanted to see a sign of docility and sincerity coming from him. That was not to be and instead I was feeling more ignored and unappreciated by him. I was constantly getting my feelings hurt by every little thing he did or didn't do. It got to the point where I thought I needed to address it and that is when I went to see a fellow Warrior and Catholic priest and he suggested a sabbitical from the relationship. I don't know how he is faring in the last two weeks but perhaps I am wrong but I have felt that my presence was a ray of sunshine in his life. Perhaps he doesn't feel about me in that way and if so I wish him happiness.

I think things have begun to slow down enough for me to begin once again to enter entries into my blog. A few days ago I was driving along the heavily wooded area near Ray's house, on my way to the gym, when a 300 pound buck darted its way right into the side of my car. I don't think the buck saw my car since the car is black and it was beginning to get dark outside. The buck came out of nowhere! I was talking on my cell phone when I felt a strong blow to the car and the car began to spin out of control. There was a huge explosion as glass flew all over me and the insides of the car. I was able to get control of the car and a little ways further I checked to see the damage and if I had gotten at all hurt from the broken glass. I was very very lucky that nothing happened to me. The driver's seat door wouldnt close. I found out later at the collision center that was, at least, a thousand dollars damage. As of right now I'm driving a rental-a 2006 Chrysler Sebring (I think its called). It runs very smoothly; its a nice car although it feels like an "old man's" car but i'm just glad that I am mobile and can get around without having to worry about cops stopping me. Besides bending the side of the car, smashing the window, and the door not opening; the rear view mirror was torn off and that in itself is a violation in which I could get stopped and given a ticket. On the brighter side, Ray hosted a visit from one of the New Orleans Courage members. Allen came to visit Houston; he said he had never been to Texas. I joined them on a little excursion to Galveston. It was a very pleasant little trip; we ate at a really nice Seafood Restaurant ( it was me, Ray, Allen, and another friend Ron). We stated at the historical hotel the Hotel Galvez. The room was very nice overlooking the sea; and we also visited the Moody Gardens (the rainforest pyramid and the Aquarium). We also got to see a 3-D cartoon of Spongbob and this Ridefilm (basically it was this ride where the seats kinda way and that way and your watching the screen) and it feels like your actually moving! Afterwards that night we ate at Pappasito's (Allen said he wanted to eat Mexican food since there aren't many authentic Mexican food restaurants in New Orleans). A few of the other Courage members came to the restaurant and it was nice to see some of my old friends again. I had the other Courage members understand that I respected Chastity and Celibacy and hoped that they would be a part of my life someday but that right now that wasn't my reality and that a part of me had little desire or willpower for it and that I was investigating sexual and intimacy issues .They were all very supportive and understanding of where I was at with the goals of Courage. It's going to be two weeks since I stopped all communication with M. I have felt tremendously sad over it and fearful of losing my connection with him. I have also missed the dogs and have felt as if a part of me is missing. Its almost like walking around with no leg or something. I guess that's the way it feels when your heart has been so involved with someone. He has been like a dear family member to me and its made me really sad not to be able to know how he is doing from day to day, hour to hour. The last remaining days of our acquaintance I was looking for a sign of vulnerablity from him. If he had opened his heart and revealed his true feelings for me at the risk of feeling stupid or even exposing himself to hurt I would have never left. I wanted to see a sign of docility and sincerity coming from him. That was not to be and instead I was feeling more ignored and unappreciated by him. I was constantly getting my feelings hurt by every little thing he did or didn't do. It got to the point where I thought I needed to address it and that is when I went to see a fellow Warrior and Catholic priest and he suggested a sabbitical from the relationship. I don't know how he is faring in the last two weeks but perhaps I am wrong but I have felt that my presence was a ray of sunshine in his life. Perhaps he doesn't feel about me in that way and if so I wish him happiness.

I think things have begun to slow down enough for me to begin once again to enter entries into my blog. A few days ago I was driving along the heavily wooded area near Ray's house, on my way to the gym, when a 300 pound buck darted its way right into the side of my car. I don't think the buck saw my car since the car is black and it was beginning to get dark outside. The buck came out of nowhere! I was talking on my cell phone when I felt a strong blow to the car and the car began to spin out of control. There was a huge explosion as glass flew all over me and the insides of the car. I was able to get control of the car and a little ways further I checked to see the damage and if I had gotten at all hurt from the broken glass. I was very very lucky that nothing happened to me. The driver's seat door wouldnt close. I found out later at the collision center that was, at least, a thousand dollars damage. As of right now I'm driving a rental-a 2006 Chrysler Sebring (I think its called). It runs very smoothly; its a nice car although it feels like an "old man's" car but i'm just glad that I am mobile and can get around without having to worry about cops stopping me. Besides bending the side of the car, smashing the window, and the door not opening; the rear view mirror was torn off and that in itself is a violation in which I could get stopped and given a ticket. On the brighter side, Ray hosted a visit from one of the New Orleans Courage members. Allen came to visit Houston; he said he had never been to Texas. I joined them on a little excursion to Galveston. It was a very pleasant little trip; we ate at a really nice Seafood Restaurant ( it was me, Ray, Allen, and another friend Ron). We stated at the historical hotel the Hotel Galvez. The room was very nice overlooking the sea; and we also visited the Moody Gardens (the rainforest pyramid and the Aquarium). We also got to see a 3-D cartoon of Spongbob and this Ridefilm (basically it was this ride where the seats kinda way and that way and your watching the screen) and it feels like your actually moving! Afterwards that night we ate at Pappasito's (Allen said he wanted to eat Mexican food since there aren't many authentic Mexican food restaurants in New Orleans). A few of the other Courage members came to the restaurant and it was nice to see some of my old friends again. I had the other Courage members understand that I respected Chastity and Celibacy and hoped that they would be a part of my life someday but that right now that wasn't my reality and that a part of me had little desire or willpower for it and that I was investigating sexual and intimacy issues .They were all very supportive and understanding of where I was at with the goals of Courage. It's going to be two weeks since I stopped all communication with M. I have felt tremendously sad over it and fearful of losing my connection with him. I have also missed the dogs and have felt as if a part of me is missing. Its almost like walking around with no leg or something. I guess that's the way it feels when your heart has been so involved with someone. He has been like a dear family member to me and its made me really sad not to be able to know how he is doing from day to day, hour to hour. The last remaining days of our acquaintance I was looking for a sign of vulnerablity from him. If he had opened his heart and revealed his true feelings for me at the risk of feeling stupid or even exposing himself to hurt I would have never left. I wanted to see a sign of docility and sincerity coming from him. That was not to be and instead I was feeling more ignored and unappreciated by him. I was constantly getting my feelings hurt by every little thing he did or didn't do. It got to the point where I thought I needed to address it and that is when I went to see a fellow Warrior and Catholic priest and he suggested a sabbitical from the relationship. I don't know how he is faring in the last two weeks but perhaps I am wrong but I have felt that my presence was a ray of sunshine in his life. Perhaps he doesn't feel about me in that way and if so I wish him happiness.

Note: Because of Finals New Entries will not be posted till after Wednesday. Stay turned for new developments in my life. I had written an entry about a week and a half ago about my Favorite and Least Favorite things and I somehow deleted the whole thing! It took me a long time to write it. Anyways, alot of things have happened and are happening. Some unfortunately sad. I hope to write about all these things are a more frequent basis soon. More later.

Do Not Love The World I'm so surprised that I have allowed so much time to pass before entering something new in my blog! Nothing new here just a bit scattered as always! Alot of temptations and interior trials and not alot of motivation to study or finish whatever I get started. There has also been alot of attention seeking which is very useless. It's been all very discouraging that I can't just quiet my mind. Last night I was meditating on these words in 1 John: "Do not love the world or the things of the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, sensual lust, enticement of the eyes, and a pretentious life, is not from the Father but is from the world. Yet the world and its enticements are passing away" (15-17). These verses have been my bread and water and keep coming to me over and over again. Sensual lust literally is the "lust of the flesh", or an inordinate desire for physical gratification. I can definitely accuse myself of this one! "Enticement of the eyes" is avarice or covetousness. "Pretentious life" literally can be translated as "the pride of life", an arrogance and seeking of approval of others. These words deeply resonated within me, this is what Thomas Merton described his tryst with the world in his autobiography Seven Story Mountain: "(I) walked out into the world that I thought I was going to ransack and rob of all its pleasures and satisfactions. I had done what I intended and now I found that it was I who was emptied and robbed and gutted. What a strange thing! In filling myself, I had emptied myself. In grasping things, I had lost everything. In devouring pleasures and joys, I had found distress and anguish and fear."

My Considerations of "Agape"
"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,
its does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." (from the First Epistle to the Corinthians Xiii 4-8, Reading for Quinquagesima Sunday).

It is the Eve of the beginning of Great Lent and this is the Epistle Reading for this Sunday. Charity and Agape are being brought forward over and over again for my consideration.
Since I have been here at Ray's I am constantly having to meditate on my Love Walk and how has it been? Have I loved selflessly? Has my love for others been ordered towards the True Good which is God? Have I modeled a Christ-like love? Have I tried to be patient and kind?
Love is such a deep and unfathomable subject! I have to confess that I have much work to do when it comes to this virtue.

Without Agape ultimately any other kind of "love" in the end will fail. Agape is selfless and sacrificing; it desires to pour itself out on the other. Agape is not separated from the love of God
in many ways it parallels the Divine. Love is not mere sentimentality; it is a principled form of conduct. It is defined by our love for the souls of others. Hence True Love is rightly ordered and directed towards Objective Truth. To live fully in Love Communion is ultimately a call to Holiness-to be like God. "Beloved, let us love one another, because love is of God; everyone who loves is begotten of God and knows God." (1 John 4:7).

There are many counterfeits of love today. Some border on illusion, obession and attachment.
Others are honest and sincere enough but not true love. True friendship desires us to seek the highest good of our friend. For myself part of my "consideration" was around right relationship.
For the Christian, love must consistently and ultimately be directed towards the salvation and sanctification of the beloved. The best for the Christian is the road to holiness, however painful that may be, however great the sacrifices it may demand. Hence, for those that take Christ as their Guru Love is Tough!

Unfortunately, the offering of this Agape Love that I speak is seldom appreciated, often criticized and frequently rejected. It is usually most expressly rejected by those who are most painfully aware of their need for love. For many Agape is unplatable; they run away from such descriptions of love only to embrark on a painful, frustating and futile search for real love.
Christ saids walk the straight path and enter by the narrow gate.

A Little Raft on the Sea

Hello to All. This week looks hopeful that I will be able to find time and space for reflection on where to go in the direction of my life. The last week has left me feeling somewhat rootless and full of interior stuggles and strong tempations. Mike's roomate is leaving for a week and Ray is going on a retreat to Louisiana so I am hoping to spend my time mediating, reading, studying and listening to good books on tape. I pray that I might gain some insight and mindfulness and that a period of rest can be bestowed on my life. I have written a few major entries in my blog among them The Myth of Scientism, The Mind and Ayurveda and Mindfulness Training I am thinking about writing an entry on what in Ancient Christianity the Apostolic Fathers called "The Passions" very soon so stay tuned.

The Jewel of True "Agape" Christ-like Love in Relationship

Hello to All! It's going to be a solid two weeks since I wrote anything in my blog. I seem to be a perfectionist when it comes to writing and I prefer my ideas to be linear and well set instead of the impromtu-garbled stream of consciousness that seems a part of writing your thoughts just "from the top of your head". The last year for many reasons that I will soon reveal has been a year of internal restlessness which has made me question the distinction between true and false forms of love, the role of sexuality and its appropriateness to spiritual expression, the use and misuse of freedom of choice ("it is only in freedom that man can turn to what is good [Gaudium et Spes, 11]) and a myriad of other concerns dealing with a profound consideration of relationship. Here below are some axioms in which are helping to set forth my vision of what is good and right for my life:

"Only the one who is able to be demanding with himself in the name of love can also demand love from others." Comment: It is only when we begin to arouse ourselves from illusions and false conceptions that we can begin to make the wonderful discovery of what brings true joy and peace in the unity of a true love of self and others hence the 'Agape" conception of love of the Greeks.

"Ulilitarianism is a civilization of production and of use, a civilization in which persons are used in the same way that things are used."

"A genuine love is one in which the true essence of love is realized -a love which is directed to a genuine (not merely an apparent) good."

"To be able to rely on another person as a friend who will never prove false, is for the person who loves a source of peace and joy."

"It is not enough to long for a person as a good for oneself, one must also, and above all, long for that persons good."

"Mere pleasure, mere sensual enjoyment is not a good which binds and unites people for long."

"People should always carefully 'verify' their love before exchanging declarations."

"Love as experience should be subordinated to love as virtue, so much so that without love as virtue there can be no fullness in the experience of love."

"Nor yet is love really love when it is merely an emotional attitude to a human being."

"Love is put to the test most severely when the sensual and emotional reactions themselves grow weaker, and sexual values as such lose their effect. Nothing then remains except the values of the person, and the inner truth about the love of those concerned comes to light.
If their love is a true gift of self, so that they each belong to the other, it will not only survive but grow stronger, and sink deeper roots. Whereas if it was never more than a sort of synchronization of sensual and emotional experiences it will lose its reason for being and the persons involved will find themselves in a vacuum."

Mindfulness Training with Jack Kornfield

Today is the last day of the month and I'm looking back at January and seeing that I was not able to post alot of entries. As I related in the last entry I had been suffering alot of discomfort
due to illness. It was during this time that I was able to listen to a wonderful set of talks by Jack Kornfield, a clinical psychologist with experience in Buddhist meditation.

I had bought a set of tapes a few years ago titled "Buddhist Psychology" by Jack Kornfield. I lent the tapes to Martin and he enjoyed them very much; listening to them in his car over and over again and it was because of him that I gained a deeper appreciation for the profoundness of this great teacher's words.

One of the teachings that stood out for me was the one with working with negative emotions and being mindful of when they arise; realizing them and identifying them. For example, if fear arises I don't try to fight it or resist it when it makes its appearance but acknowledge it and identify it "Fear. Fear." The point is not in trying to escape it but be present to all mental states; whether they are positive ones or negative; to be present to the "ten thousands sorrows and ten thousand joys".

Jack Kornfield saids that one of the interesting things that happens is we will feel the fear, we will be scared but whelther it takes 15 sittings or 80 sittings (sittings meaning meditations) or however many are necessary one day when fear arises we will be able to experience the emotion and not be jilted. "Fear Welcome! I know you! "

I have just completed the other day the six CD presentation by Jack Kornfield "The Art of Meditation". It was very helpful for my day to listen to his very kind voice in these series of talks. The talks really set the tone for spiritual practice and cultivation at work and school and whatever I have been experiencing. I plan to replay the series again and mine more of its teachings. It seems one always gets something new each time one listens.

I was also listening again the first tape in the series by Pema Chodron "Noble Heart". What stood out for me was the practice of "Good Heart" and which one thinks of people one feels particular gratitude for or compassion and this opens the heart. Even if we are stuck in very negative emotions of fear or unforgiveness "Good Heart" is still there but in a frozen state. We can see it much like water. Water is water whelther its in its liquid form, gaseous or frozen.
Sometimes we might be very much tied to these hard emotions and feel like we are not able to manifest "Good Heart"but everyone can begin to bring into fruition "Good Heart" even in little ways. As Pema Chondron saids, "Everyone likes something even if its only tortillas!"

The other teaching which was particularly dear was the practice of the desire for "Bodhichitta".
"Bodhichitta" means "Enlightened Mind". It is also the desire that all sentient beings be happy and be free of the root of suffering. One of the ways we can unveil "Bodhichitta" is through the cultivation of the three Noble Principles of "Good in the Beginning" "Good in the Middle" and "Good at the End".

I will explain "Good in the Beginning" is to imbue everything you do with an attitude of compassion. One brings the Power of Intention to the forefront here. I was able to do this with what I do at the Vitamin Shoppe and studying for school. Simply its bringing intention with alignment that I desire to promote happiness and end suffering. "May whatever I do this day or here at work or in studying be of benefit to all sentient beings." Its a form of Daily Offering and Accumlation of Merit.

On another note, all those that know me know of my passion for knowledge and my love for books. I discovered the other day that I had $5.00 still on my Half Price Books Giftcard that Martin had given me last year for Christ-Mass. The other day I was walking around looking for more Books on Tape when I found an old out-of-print book that is suppose to be rare by Adi Da (formerly known then as Buddha Free John). Here is the full title of the book "Love of the Two-Armed Form (The Free and Regenerative Function of Sexuality in Ordinary Life, and The Trancedence of Sexuality in True Religious or Spiritual Practice). Being that my Sexuality has been a point of discord in my life; the views of great religious and philosophical thinkers on the subject have been of great interest to me; ranging from Cardinal Wojtyla (Pope John Paul II) "Love and Responsiblity" to Wilhelm Reich's "The Function of the Orgasm". I have wanted to gather data and hopefully truth on the subject besides dialogue and interior discussion. I don't know if the book will prove any good but the Table of Contents looked good. As I've said before, this is a profound subject in one the world needs much guidance in. He saids in the book, "The spiritual practice of life is not possible without prior and real maturity in emotional-sexual life."